Post flood today-- intriguing conversation

Last night at Kazmos, my friend Tabitha showed up. She's actually been coming down just about every week lately. We sat down to chat for a bit, even though perhaps I should've thought otherwise since she was a little toasty.

Tab and I have known each other for about... oh, 6-7 years. She and her (ex) husband used to live pretty close to my mom and would always have after parties... so it was handy to go afterparty at their place and then have a short drive to my mom's. In the last few years though, she's become a bit eccentric, especially when she drinks. In fact, later on in the night last night she caused a lot of drama for us all. Tab is bi, but leans towards women... well she confessed to Cas that she had a thing for her, and everything went down hill from there. (It wasn't because Cas was rude or anything.. it was just a major snowball effect).

Anyway, before all that drama, Tab and I sat down and started chatting. I think it all started with her asking if I had any love interests yet, and of course, my answer was no. She starts going into how she feels, and she doesn't know why or how, that while I've been looking for this perfect match, there's been someone in front of me all along. I figure this would lead to her saying herself, since she has indicated interest in me in the past... but surprisingly she followed up the other comment with "I don't know who it is... but I just have this feeling deep down that whoever you are looking for has been in front of you all this time."

I sat there and thought for a second, and my initial reply was that no one has been in my life this whole time, not even her. I couldn't really think of anyone. Then it dawned on me that I think she's right. It's something I've thought on and of about for a really long time. I admitted that yes, there probably is someone out there, but she doesn't live here... plus I don't know how things would be if we were together. Of course Tab says "who cares about the distance, just make it happen if this person is out there. Don't make the mistake I made and let them go."

It's just really made me think, a lot more than usual, about the person I had in mind. It's probably the damned biggest dilemmas I've ever faced. Yeah, I've thought about it before... but usually tell myself to stop because I think that if I were to bring it up she'd just think that I'm being silly.

I mean, we've been there for each other through a lot, but we've also had our ups and downs, even with our distance... what the hell does that mean? It's shit like that that's kept this fantasy just that - a fantasy, nothing more. There have been times when we've each laid cards on the table. I can't say I've ever really withdrawn mine, but she's withdrawn hers most of the time. Or perhaps her cards never were on the table, and it was just wishful thinking on my part. I'm not real sure. I should just man up and go for it... but damn if my situation just isn't proper for such a move right now. I can't say that her situation is either.

I don't know, sometimes I think the whole situation slightly mirrors the situation in Serendipity (if you've seen it). There have just been points in time that fate has brought us together at odd points, more together than normal. But things get pulled apart again... so wtf?

I'd like to believe there's something there on her part and that the hot/cold that I get from time to time is perhaps her own fears over the whole thing. Or, it could just be she sees what we have as a really good friendship... which without a doubt it is. And I'd hate to fuck that up. Are there cards in her hand, or is it just my imagination?